Thursday, November 18, 2010

Sorry, No Martha Stewart Thanksgiving !

Dear Family & Friends,

I know how eager you must have been to accept our family's invitation to Thanksgiving dinner when you found out that the famous Martha Stewart would be joining us.  However, due to unforeseen scheduling conflicts beyond her control, Ms. Stewart finds that she is unable to grace our table this year.  With that in mind, there will be a few minor changes regarding the meal and decor, as outlined below.  Please be aware of them, and adjust your appetite and dress appropriately.

Thank you

1) Our driveway will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.  After several trial runs and two visits from the West Chicago, Winfield, Warrenville, Wheaton, Geneva, and St Charles Fire Departments, it was decided that, no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

2) Once inside, please note that the front entryway will not be gaily decorated with swags of Indian corn and fall foliage.  Instead, we included our son’s 3 black Labrador Retrievers in decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the back yard. The mud was their idea.

3) The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets.  If possible, we will use dishes that match (somewhat) and everyone will get a fork.  Since this is Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the usual paper Sponge Bob dinner plates, the leftover Halloween napkins, and our plastic cup collection from McDonald's, KFC, and Subway.

4) Our centerpiece will not be a tower of fresh fruit and flowers.  Instead we will be proudly displaying a hedgehog-like decoration, hand-crafted from the finest construction paper and pine cones.  The 9-year old artist assures me it is a turkey, albeit one without wings, legs, or a beak.

5) We will be dining somewhat later than planned.  However, our grandchildren will entertain you while you wait.  I'm sure yhey will be happy to share every choice comment their grandmother made regarding Thanksgiving, Pilgrims, stuffing choices, the turkey hotline, and, especially, their grandfather.  Please remember that most of these comments were made at 7:00AM upon discovering that said grandfather had only remembered to pull the turkey from the freezer at 6:00 AM, and that the thing was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

6) As an accompaniment to our grandson’s recital of these events, I will play a recording of Native American tribal drumming.  Curiously, the tribal drumming sounds a great deal like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, but that only enhances the holiday appropriateness.  If our grandson should mention that we don't own a recording of Native American tribal drumming, ignore him.
He’s  only nine; what does he know?

7) A dainty silver bell will not be rung to announce the start of our feast.  We have chosen to keep our traditional method of assembling when the smoke alarm goes off.

8) There will be no formal seating arrangement.  When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.  In the spirit of harmony, we will ask that all diners under the age of 10 sit at a separate table… in a separate room… next door.  And I would like to take this opportunity to remind our younger diners that "passing the rolls" is neither a football play nor an excuse to bean your uncle (or each other) in the head with bread.
9) The turkey will not be carved at the table.  I know you have seen the Norman Rockwell image of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers.  Such a scene may actually occur somewhere in America, but it won't be happening at our dinner table.
For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in the kitchen in a private ceremony.  I stress "private", meaning DO NOT, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me.  Do not send small, unsuspecting children or older, helpful relatives into the kitchen to check on my progress.  I have a very large, very sharp knife.  The turkey is unarmed and most likely already in a submissive state.  It stands to reason that I will eventually win the battle.  When I do, we will eat.

10)    For the duration of the meal, we will refer to the gravy by its lesser-known name of "Kraft Cheese Sauce".  If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or makeup of the "Kraft Cheese Sauce", smile kindly and say that you know the answer, but it's a secret that can't be revealed to them until they are 18.

11)    Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, baked to the usual perfection by my culinary-inclined son, garnished with whipped cream and possible dog tongue marks. Similar pumpkin pie prepared by equally-gifted COSTCO bakers may be offered without the aforementioned traces of canine infringement.  You still have a choice: take it or leave it.   

That concludes our list of alterations.  Again, I apologize that Martha will not be joining us this year.  Come to think of it, she probably won't come next year, either.



Anonymous said...

good, she's a crappy cook

on the edge said...