Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Dark Side Of The Moon

As I mentioned in my last post , I've been depressed this week over the deaths of loved ones . It happens to us all at some point . We all grieve at a different pace . I stumbled across Gina's Big Adventure tonight and read of the passing of both her parents with in 10 days time . I felt a gut wrenching ache deep inside me for her loss.

Then I started to remember what it had been like when my mother had passed away . She had been ill and had surgery . We were told that her cancer would eventually return at some point in time but she was ok for now .She would need another surgery in 3 months time .

She had the surgery . Survived it . Was due to come home 5 days later. The day she was to come home she had a blood clot go to her brain and kill her .It was a shock for all of us in the family .

My sisters did most of the arrangements for the funeral .I was barley functional . This caused a lot of friction between my sisters and I . Normal stuff that happens in families when some one you love dies .

I had 4 children that needed their mother and I felt like a orphan . Nothing could touch me . I was numb .Frozen and still as water in a ice tray . Moe tried reach me . My children tried . I did what I had to do everyday .Smiled , laughed , cried , nodded my head a lot .I was a robot . Not human anymore .

Then I discovered that some one else once felt as I did . Go ahead and laugh but I am sure I would have been totally lost if not for my discovery . I came across a copy of Pink Floyd's " Dark Side Of The Moon " .I played that record over and over until no one could stand to hear it but me . The pain resonated deep inside me . Made sense of my loss somehow .

The other thing that got me through it all was my children and their need for me . Their very neediness felt like they were sucking all my air out of me .I had no choise but to pay attention to them . I took them out of school the week of my mother's funeral .

We would do things together . We would pack a picnic dinner and drive to the nearest State Park to have sunset dinners by the ponds .We watched the alligators come to feed side by side with the deer and the squirrels at the ponds edge . We would hear the owls reading themselves for the night's hunt .Listen to things invisible moving through the grass .

Other days we would drive to Galveston Island and make sandcastles on the beach. Once we rode on the Bolivar ferry and saw the dolphins swim beside us all the way from one shore to the other . We had to fight off the seagulls from stealing our chips . Several times we went at night , just to watch the Gulf of Mexico a light from the ships out at sea .

Some days we would load up in the car and drive for miles and miles . No destination in mind , just the journey to somewhere and back .Music blasting from the car speakers with us shouting out the lyrics to the tunes on the radio

.Once we went to the San Jacinto battle grounds for a day spent exploring the place were Santa Anna was captured in the Mexican War . The kids climbed all over the Battle Ship of Texas .Learned of a great nation called Texas in the Battlegrounds museum .There was a small private cemetary on the grounds from the 1900's . We read the tombstones and wondered what had happened to the people bureied there . We watched the ships come up the Houston ship channel from the Gulf of Mexico .

I remember the sun shone a lot those days for some strange reason . I felt it should be raining , but it wasn't . Just the bright yellow sun shining down on us . Warm and healing me , even though I wanted to resist .


ibeebarbie said...

Salam On the Edge,
Thank you! In some ways, I, too, feel validated by your expression and handling of pain-----the loss of your mom. For there was such a numbness I felt inside that it scared me. It was as if I had no idea who the person standing in my skin was at during that time period.

I remember my dad saying, "I just don't know if I believe if there's a God----for how could God allow us to love someone only to take them from us". Of course, I had no answer for him---nor was he probably looking for one but rather just expressing his pain.

Again, thank you for sharing your story. Believe me when I say, I've learned many things reading your blog as well as found healing in your words. Thank you for sharing your true authentic self with us. May God bless you always.

on the edge said...

Ibeebarbie ... I was just thinking about you and your dad this morning believe it or not . Thinking about this time last year and what a year you have been through and all it's changes . My love to you and the rest of the family today ! OTE !x&o's