UN Decides to Shut Down Internet Permanently
Global Press Syndicate
New York City, April 1, 2008
In special session, the United Nations General Assembly voted 165 to 6 with one abstention to shut down the Internet. The reason given was that the rapid and uncontrolled flow of information was destabilizing the governments of many of the member states. Furthermore, the Internet has increasingly become a vehicle for fraud and scams. Finally, the Internet produced the infamous "DOT COM" debacle which had disastrous repercussions for the World economy.
"We simply can not have all of the communications power of the Internet in private hands," said Chu-Fen Li, representative of the People's Republic of China.
"The Internet has become a channel for terrorists and criminals to pursue their agendas," was the official statement of the United States. "In addition, the decrease in mail volume has hurt the Postal Service seriously."
The six countries that voted against the shutdown were Nigeria and five Caribbean banking havens. The Nigerian representative stormed out after the vote saying that the shutdown would destroy his country's largest source of income.
North Korea made the sole abstention, with the representative Kim Son Fan saying, "What the heck is the Internet? Never heard of it."
The shutdown is to take place immediately, as soon as the representatives of the member states can E-mail their respective governments of the decision.
Financial markets reacted swiftly. Stock prices of all Internet companies fell to flat zero immediately. Several former Internet billionaires committed suicide. Several others have disappeared without a trace.
Microsoft announced that it was buying up all of the equipment and fiber optic cables from the defunct Internet companies and would use these to open a new, controlled access, subscription-only service called "Micro-Net" which would provide information, advertising, and spam free communications including telephone service to former Internet users. Prices will start at only $500 per month per user. The price of a share of Microsoft stock rose 9,615 points.
In related news, Bill Gates of Microsoft Corporation announced that he will purchase the entire State of Hawaii for use as his personal resort. He said that all US military bases will be permitted to remain but businesses and residents would be required to leave.
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