Jokes From The Land Of The Flu

Things here are still basically the same in the Land Of The Flu . Moe and I are struggling to keep things up around the Condo . We had to call in reinforcements this week to help us out with the shopping , our son . That turned into a wonderful bonus because not only did he do the shopping for me , but then he cook a huge pot of chicken soup with all sorts if yummy veggies in it . I haven't had to cook for several days now and it sure was a big help.

Our son has always enjoyed cooking . He had his own cook book when he was just a little guy . He would always want to help out in the kitchen when I cooked ,as a little boy . The rule was , when you were tall enough to be able to look into the tallest pot sitting on the stove , then you could do some actual cooking over the fire ... with supervision of course .

Moe used to take the kids with him to work, to one of our restaurants in Houston, once in a while . They would come home with all sorts of adventures to share with me . They had learned how to peel garlic , or almost got locked up in the wine cellar, or the chief threatened to cut their ears off if they didn't stop nagging him for shrimp ,or in our youngest ones case , lime sherbet ! They were spoiled rotten by all the staff . 

The best part was they learned to enjoy all sorts of new foods that most childern their ages never tasted . They LOVED escargot , frog leggs , and Beef Wellinton . They had to be on their best behavior and were taught wonderful table manners so we could take them into any resturante and not annoy the other patrons dinnig there also . They loved these experences and it has helped them later in other life situations .

Now to change the conversation ...... I got this in a email today and liked it . Thought you might like it too . Have a great day !

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

Here are some of his gems:

Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho-kinetics, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

And there were thes3e gems too !

 
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... I mean .... What's my mother going to do?