Sunday, February 1, 2009

Remembering To Breath

There have been times in my life when I have literally forgotten to breath .I remember the 1st time it happened . I was 15 and the boy I had loved since I was 4 years old told me he was marring a girl exactly 5 years older than me to the day . I can remember my heart stopped beating and I couldn't catch my breath for a minute . He broke my heart.

Then it happened again when the doctor told my sisters and I that our mother had colon cancer and would not live more than a year or two . My knees wanted to buckle and my breath caught in my throat .She died just three short months later .

The day we got the lab reports back telling us our youngest son had HIV/AIDS my head started to buzz and all I could think was no , it wasn't true . I had prayed so hard to Allah to make it not true . It couldn't be . There had to be some mistake in the lab work, but it was true .

When he died and they came to tell me, I was calm , but latter after all business of the funeral was over , I would remember he was dead at odd moments . It would catch me off guard . I would stop breathing . The ache in my heart was so strong , it squashed all breath out of my lungs . I had to keep reminding myself to breath off and on . I would have spells where I was hit by the freight train of loss .The disbelief that my son was gone forever was almost more than I could bare .

I learned to get through these losses by taking one breath at a time . One minute , then two , pretty soon I was breathing whole blocks of time without reminding myself to keep inhaling and exhaling air . Amazing how resilient the spirit is when faced with the end of the world .

So , if this ever happens to you , just try to remember one breath at a time is all it takes to carry on with the business of life . One breath , then two , then three and soon it just happens on its own . Even if you wished it wouldn't .

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

You wouldn`t believe how I need such words to pull me from the depth of my sadness at the moment..I thank you very much for these words..they really made me realise that I could live after all and that this loss of breath and this heartache that is killing me right now is just a temporary pain and not symptoms of eternal death...
....
thanks again
Um Dania

HEBA said...

Your post made me cry , It's not bad I believe that crying is healthy and helps me breathe.

have a good week

Nasimlibya said...

:(

Anonymous said...

Thank you. I needed that.

Libyea said...

The first time I saw your blog was when I read a post about your son…for some reason I could not forget him…although I didn't know him, I felt a deep grief...

I just wanted to say that there is somebody “who doesn’t even know you” feels with you, and wishes that you will never need to remind yourself to keep breathing

Serena said...

One breath at a time - great advice for difficult moments that we all experience! Thanks for sharing!

abdullah SH said...

post touched me cuz take me 2 previous years in my life when my dad died suddenly without any warning " tht `s life " ....

at tht moment i dnt know if i stll breathing or not just normal physiological cycle take his way actualy i think just my memory working at tht moment rather than other bdy parts .. we recall all video events infront us then u wake in 2nd day without tht person !!!

wish u ok


salam

Anglo-Libyan said...

I will keep that in mind

thank you and all the best

ibeebarbie said...

So very well written and profoundly explained. Truer words could not have been spoken. Thank you for revealing such pain and reminding those of us who may be forgetting at the moment how to breath to just breath.

Rose Bud said...

I remember some of those days. I remember the feeling that if I stoped breathing for even a moment, I would never wake up. Even to this day I can't believe he is gone. What is gone? What dose that mean? I love you mom.

Shahrazad said...

I posted but I guess something went wrong !
Anyway I know exactly how you feel as I went through the loss of my little family ...

All gone in a number of minutes . I so wished, I had left with them, but it wasn't meant to be...
Alhamdulilah.

I inhale and exhale slowly to relieve my grief when I think of my husband and our little one- the fruit of our marriage,our beautiful daughter....

Alhamdullilah.
This is the best word that we as Muslims can repeat while taking deep breaths.
Our grieving for our loved ones will never be over but time does heal,or at
I hope you keep on doing what you are with the help of Allah by your side.

Tuesday, 03 February, 2009

on the edge said...

Thank you all for sharing your love and pain . I truly believe what Allah has said to we humans , that He will NEVER give us more than we can withstand in our spirits .This has been proven to me and those I love over and over again . He made us strong , if we only reach deep to utilize that strength .Allah bless OTE